I am an addict . . .

Continued behaviors in spite of negative consequences . . . the very soul, if one believes in those sorts of things, of addiction. Does this mean that my addiction has negative consequences? Maybe. But, I would argue that my addiction, at least for a while, provides the safety and comfort of a warm bed on a cold and rainy Sunday morning. My addiction understands me like no one or nothing else can. If I close my eyes I can see its soothing soft light, smell its sweet aroma, and feel its warmth numbing the pain. I can hear its continuous gentle beating like ocean waves crashing on the shore in the distance. I can taste the essence of life itself. My addiction allows me to forget, even if for a short time, the scars of abuse, the loneliness of my existence, the wrongs I have done, the pain I have caused, and the isolation I desperately try to escape. My addiction provides temporary relief, like aloe on a burn, from “an imprisonment so total that the prisoner doesn’t even know he’s locked up” (Kelly, n.d.). But just as fast as the relief appears it fades into guilt, loneliness, and isolation. My addiction has driven away those things and those people capable of providing permanent relief. It has cost me everything. I am left seeking more temporary relief – cold, alone, and feeling.

What is my addiction – alcohol, heroin, cocaine, running, dieting, eating, cutting, web surfing, gambling, sex, or perfectionism – does it matter? Not really.

Finding a healthier way of living is difficult. There are all sorts of 12-step programs – there is probably a 12-step program for people addicted to 12-step programs. These programs provide for a great source of support from like-minded people.   According to many, this writer included, living life according to the 12 steps is not a bad way to live, addicted or not. I am sure there is one for me. Accepting and normalizing events, thoughts, and feelings is part of any healthy lifestyle. Can I find normalization and acceptance in isolation? It is unlikely. I can seek professional help individually or in the form of groups offering hope that my old protective behaviors can be changed and I can find a new path to follow. Learning to problem solve, to be empathetic, to become optimistic and insightful, and to sometimes even laugh at myself and my problems will allow me to let go of yesterday and live today – to get out of the prison of my addiction.

Kelly, D. R. (Ed.). (n.d.). Transcription of the 2005 Kenyon Commencement Address – May 21, 2005 – written and delivered by David Foster Wallace. In Daniel Kelly’s Homepage. Retrieved June 26, 2014, from    http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf.